


this is never that

by dwaekki



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:42:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24800245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dwaekki/pseuds/dwaekki
Summary: Once upon a time, Kim Seungmin was Hwang Hyunjin's everything.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin & Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	this is never that

Hwang Hyunjin pushed, pushed, pushed himself until he was standing on the edge; and then he pushed himself a little more.

Without Kim Seungmin, Hyunjin would have fallen -- but Seungmin was the rope that kept at Hyunjin's waist, the hand that caught the back of his shirt. Hyunjin stumbled, but he stayed on his feet; and Seungmin laughed a little bit, brushed Hyunjin's shoulders like he was dusting him off and asked, "Are you okay?"

Hyunjin took a little breath to anchor himself; he rubbed his tired eyes and realized he was standing in the open doorway already-- must have day-dreamed through his morning routine.

"Tired, I guess." Hyunjin lied, but he covered it up with a laugh. Seungmin hummed out his doubt, but it was already 6:57, and he had yet to grab a cereal bar for breakfast. He left Hyunjin alone by the door for all of thirty seconds, but only let the air be silent for fifteen; he started to talk about Jeongin and how badly he wanted to go see another movie, just the three of them. He would even settle for a little dorm room party if Hyunjin would just _stop overworking himself_ for _one night_.

“He worries.” Hyunjin said, and Seungmin smacked his chest, “So do I.”

“You _always_ worry.” Hyunjin noted. Seungmin rolled his eyes. He stuffed half of his cereal bar into his mouth and, no longer able to _tell_ Hyunjin to follow him, grabbed an open flap of Hyunjin’s jacket and tugged him along.

“Do you have a hair tie?” Hyunjin asked as he and Seungmin ducked into the car. Seungmin had gone for the passenger seat -- interesting, because he usually liked to drive, but Hyunjin didn’t protest. Seungmin stuffed another section of his cereal part into his mouth and rolled up his sleeve, pulled a hair tie off quickly and handed it over. Hyunjin had gotten good at tying his hair up quickly, but he still studied it in the car mirror, looking for flaws.

“You look perfect. Let’s go.” Seungmin urged. He hated being late -- any later than 7:15 was detrimental, even if classes didn’t start until 8:00 (for the whole group _except_ for Hyunjin). Seungmin liked the downtime of being on-campus early, liked to walk around before the day started, liked to plop himself under a tree with one of his textbooks open to make note of what he might want to say or ask about in class. Seungmin was dedicated -- more dedicated than Hyunjin could ever wish to be, yet everyone credited Hyunjin with being the one who studied the most, who isolated himself to focus on his work.

(He didn’t. Half the time, he lay around with foggy thoughts and a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, or the core of his heart. He wasn’t _always_ studying; he was just _always_ taking himself out of social situations.)

Seungmin liked to talk. He talked all the way to the school, cutting himself off only to sing along to the radio. He wasn’t like this in the beginning, Hyunjin remembered. Even two years after Seungmin and Hyunjin had met, he wasn’t like this. It took him a little over four years to open up, to be silly, to trust _anyone_ like this, but especially Hyunjin, who was quiet and closed off at the start, too, and as of late. (Hyunjin wasn’t always like this either, but he didn’t like to think about why. He wasn’t really into the whole self-analyzing thing -- not when he was driving, anyway, and his best friend was talking to him, and he had to focus on more than just his head for once.)

“Do you think Minho will finally want to come with us?” Hyunjin asked. Seungmin scoffed, “He hasn’t wanted to hang out with us in weeks. It’s always Chan’s crowd that he hangs around.”

“I miss him.” Hyunjin said. Seungmin hummed, “I do, too. I’ve at least been talking to him this past week. He comes and sits with us when we eat -- still remembers when we do. You should join us, too, you know. Jeongin and I have been lonely without you and Minho around much.”

“Sorry.” Hyunjin said. Seungmin shrugged, “Yeah, you have been for a while.”

That stung. Hyunjin didn’t know what to say, so he bit down on his lips and sped up the car, hoping to get to campus a little faster, hoping to see Jeongin so he and Seungmin could feed off of his bright attitude and maybe stray from fighting.

“I’m sorry.” Seungmin said after another few moments, to which Hyunjin told him, “No. You’re right. I promise I’ll come by today. I promise.”

“We just miss you.” Seungmin said. “Look. Jeongin and I know something is going on, and we’ve tried not to push too hard, but something is wrong with you. Something is wrong with Minho, too. We… Jeongin and I are here for you, both of you. Maybe you and Minho need each other, too. Trust us, okay? We care about you.”

“I do trust you. I promise, I do.” Hyunjin said. He reached for Seungmin, wanted to rub his arm originally, but Seungmin’s response was to hold Hyunjin’s hand, and Hyunjin let it happen -- had missed contact like this, even though it hurt a bit, to hold Seungmin like this, which was why he had stopped in the first place.

“Thank you, Min.” Hyunjin said, sincere, but with his eyes still glued to the road, oddly nervous to look over at Seungmin, even if it was only for a second. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Jin.” Seungmin said. He let go of Hyunjin’s hand so he could park safely. Hyunjin started to pull in and cursed, “I’m way too close to that car, aren’t I?”

“You are awful at parking.” Seungmin teased. He guided Hyunjin into the spot, his voice only rising when Hyunjin accidentally punched it once he had gotten the car straight. He didn’t quite go over the curb, but he came _very_ close. The two of them laughed it off, though, and went back to casually talking as they left the parking lot and made their way to campus. Their casual chatting was nice, got Hyunjin’s mind off of the tension of _please just come back to Jeongin and I, Hyunjin_ and Seungmin’s parallel anger at Minho. Seungmin complained about his professor, instead, and the paper he had to write in response to a play that _wasn’t on the syllabus_. Hyunjin called his professor stupid, and Seungmin agreed.

Then, Jeongin slammed himself into Hyunjin’s arms, excitement radiating off of him. “Hyunjin! I haven’t seen you in over a week!”

“Hey, Innie.” Hyunjin said, laughing, though with his heart trembling from the suddenness of Jeongin’s appearance. Hyunjin had gotten so caught up with Seungmin that he didn’t even notice the two were in the back hall of the main building yet, but here they were indeed, and here Hyunjin was, with Jeongin in his arms (now pulling away), with Seungmin laughing just beside them.

“Did Seungmin tell you about our plans for movie night?” Jeongin asked. Hyunjin confirmed, “I’ll be there, I promise. I’m coming to lunch today, too -- promise, I promise. I’m sorry for not being around much lately.”

“It’s okay as long as you’re okay.” Jeongin said. He bounced back on his heels, “Has Seungmin told you other exciting news?”

“Hey!” Seungmin said. Hyunjin looked between the two, curious, “What is it?”

“Jeongin--”

“Seungmin has a _major_ crush on Jisu!” Jeongin said. Seungmin lashed out and kicked Jeongin’s shin. He wasn’t angry, clearly, but he did have that annoyed tone to his voice as he told Jeongin, “ _Shut up_.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Hyunjin asked, hoping he didn’t sound or look at hurt as he felt. Seungmin clearly picked up on that, though, rubbing Hyunjin’s shoulder, “I was going to tell you, I just… wanted updates on your life before I gave you any on mine.”

“Why….?” Hyunjin asked. Things felt awkward, all of a sudden. Jeongin had stopped laughing and cradling his shin at Seungmin’s annoyance. He was completely silent, now. Seungmin wouldn’t look Hyunjin in the eye. Hyunjin didn’t know how to take back the sudden tension; he felt like a stranger, or an outsider, like he’d displaced himself from their friendship and was awkwardly trying to fumble his way back in.

“I’m just worried about you.” Seungmin said softly. Hyunjin didn’t understand, and he didn’t know how to catch up. He didn’t know if it was appropriate to drop the conversation, and he didn’t even know what to say to shift the mood elsewhere. Luckily, though, Jeongin always did, and he said, “We can all update each other at lunch, right? That’s what lunch conversations are for! Catching up and complaining about professors!”

Like that, Seungmin and Hyunjin relaxed again, with Seungmin jumping right back in with Jeongin, “You have a professor story, too?”

“I want to drop my Japanese minor because of this asshole.” Jeongin groaned. Hyunjin snorted, “ _Asshole_ , huh?” because Jeongin didn’t swear often. Jeongin whined, “He’s so annoying and pretentious -- like Japanese is the only language ever! It’s _hard_ , what doesn’t he get about that?”

“You’ll get the hang of it, love.” Seungmin said. He flicked his wrist up in front of him to glance at his watch, at which point Hyunjin noticed a new ring on his finger. He reached for Seungmin’s hand instinctively, and Seungmin, no questions asked, flattened his palm against Hyunjin’s, then curled his fingers around Hyunjin’s. His eyes were curious, and Hyunjin laughed, “Idiot, I just want to see your ring.”

“Jisu gave it to him.” Jeongin said, voice teasing, but he stopped abruptly, “Sorry, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Innie.” Seungmin said. “Jisu did give it to me. It was a gift for -- I’ll tell you at lunch. It’s 7:30, want to start heading up to class, Innie?”

“So early?” Hyunjin wondered, tucked his hands into his pockets awkwardly. Was Seungmin trying to get away from him?

“Seungmin and I like to talk to our philosophy professor before class. He spills a lot of pop quiz answers to us, and we like to be prepared.” Jeongin said.

“Want to come with? I know you don’t have a class until 9:00, and he loves to have sit-in students. He thinks non-philosophy students’ answers to his questions are fascinating and gives us philosophy students practice in developing simple thoughts.”

“So I can sit in your class and be your average idiot?” Hyunjin asked, and Seungmin nodded, “Exactly,” teasing.

Hyunjin didn’t want to. He wanted to go sit in the library and think about Seungmin, and Jisu, and the tension this morning, and the way he hadn’t seen Jeongin in over a _week_ and hadn’t even realized it, but why did he want to be stuck in his head? Why did he want to isolate from his friends even more? Why not go sit in a class he’d never had interest in and answer questions in some non-philosophical way and amuse the friends he had abandoned for far too long?

So, Hyunjin shrugged, and casually agreed to go to class with Seungmin and Jeongin.

  
  
  


/

  
  
  


Minho wasn’t really in the mood to eat. He had a banana and a sandwich tucked into his palm, balancing a water bottle between his ribcage and his arm. He was scrolling through his music library, trying to find any song to put him in a better mood, but he could barely read the song titles, or register which songs were good or bad, which ones were upbeat or sad. He knew he didn’t want to listen to Day6 right now, and the Post Malone songs Jisung had added to his library weren’t going to put him in a good mood at all. Maybe he should delete those ones. Yeah, he definitely should.

Minho ended up walking up to the picnic table under the willow tree on the far edge of the ‘campus backyard,’ as many called it, with no music playing in his ears, and fifteen less songs in his library. He put down his phone and his water bottle, shrugged off his jacket to place his sandwich and banana on so he could ease the idea that either item would get dirty against the table’s surface. Minho couldn’t stop thinking about those stupid Post Malone songs now, which led him to think about how much more music he wouldn’t be able to enjoy, not to mention how many other areas of his phone he had to clear out: pictures, social media posts, text messages--

“You look tired.”

Minho looked up, had to blink Seungmin into focus against his cloudy mind and the bright sun just behind Seungmin’s head. Minho took another beat to register what Seungmin had said and replied with the first thing that came to mind: “Oh, I’m not wearing any make-up.”

“And you haven’t been for the past three days, maybe more than that. What’s going on with you?” Seungmin was _not_ someone to bullshit with. He caught a lie like he caught fireflies — with gentle hands, but he didn’t let them go until they gave him what he wanted.

So, Minho flashed his little light: “I’m going through something kind of rough. I have been for a while, honestly. It would take a lot of explaining and I’m not really up to it right now. I’m sorry.”

Seungmin was satisfied, and sympathetic. He finally sat down: “I understand. Can I do anything for you?”

Minho almost said _no_ , but if Seungmin had to remind him that he wasn’t a burden one more time, he was going to kick him, and Minho didn’t want to piss Seungmin off any more, especially so soon after they had reunited. So, Minho nodded. “Can you come over later? You can bring Hyunjin and Jeongin... and ice cream. Please.”

“It’s a date.” Seungmin joked. It was a joke that clawed at Minho’s heart, but he laughed along anyway. Jeongin joined the two of them, wondering what was so funny, and Seungmin updated him on the ‘Minho Situation,’ as he spontaneously named it. Minho said, “I hate that” as he took a bite of his sandwich, and Seungmin shrugged, “But you love me.”

“You’re annoying.” Minho said. Seungmin hummed, “Not as annoying as you and Hyunjin.”

Speaking of Hyunjin, “Where is he, anyway?”

“Good question.” Seungmin said shortly. Minho could feel the anger and annoyance radiating off of Seungmin. Minho looked to Jeongin, who shook his head, “Hyunjin hasn’t been around lately. We got him for a little while this morning; he even came to our class. He promised to be here, but…”

“It’s only been a few minutes. Maybe he’s running late for some reason?” Minho suggested. Seungmin sighed, “I don’t know. But he won’t talk to us… and neither will you! If you call off our date tonight, I’m going to sue you.”

“I won’t, I promise.” Minho said. Seungmin scoffed, “Yeah, Hyunjin promised, too.”

“Minnie.” Jeongin said, arm around Seungmin’s shoulder. “I know you’re hurt, but please trust Hyunjin and Minho a little, okay? I’m sure we’ll all understand each other after we get to talk. Please don’t be too angry?”

Seungmin just hummed, but his expression was softer, now, and he melted back into a comfortable conversation with Minho and Jeongin.

Only Minho and Jeongin; Hyunjin never showed up to lunch.

  
  
  


/

  
  
  


Hyunjin felt stupid. He was scared to answer his phone when Seungmin called him, but he knew he couldn’t just ignore Seungmin’s call. They were driving home together; hell, they _lived together_. If not over the phone, Seungmin would surely chew him out when the two got in the car. So, Hyunjin took a deep breath, and answered, “Hey, Minnie.”

“Thanks a lot for showing up to lunch today, asshole.” Seungmin said sharply. Hyunjin heard someone say something in the background -- Jeongin, most likely, but Hyunjin couldn’t hear them that well. Seungmin didn’t give Hyunjin or the other person a chance to speak more, anyway, “I’m not accepting any more apologies, by the way, so don’t even say it. Anyway. Minho came to lunch today, unlike you, and he’s been acting weird lately. I tried to talk to him today; he just wants you, me, Jeongin, and some ice cream after school. Movie date is now tonight, so we’re not going home. Convenience store, then Minho’s place. Okay?”

“Okay.” Hyunjin agreed. He had a paper to write, but he valued Seungmin’s friendship and feelings a lot more than his class. Besides, he could pull an all-nighter to finish his school work while also making sure he didn’t completely neglect his friendships.

“We’re driving Jeongin and Minho too, okay?” Seungmin asked. He wasn’t asking, though, and Hyunjin knew that, so he just kept on agreeing: “Okay.”

Seungmin hung up after that. Hyunjin knew he was in hot water with Seungmin, and he wasn’t excited for the drive to Minho’s place. He was sure Seungmin would sit up front with him-- always insisted on shotgun no matter who was driving. Maybe he would drive, and Jeongin could sit up front, and Hyunjin could sit awkwardly in the backseat with Minho. That would be nice -- nicer than having to sit next to Seungmin and try to think of what he could possibly say to make all of this better.

Hyunjin felt that dread for the next hour, and it only got worse when he arrived in the parking lot first. Seungmin got there next -- no Jeongin, no Minho. Hyunjin held up the keys, “Want to drive?” and Seungmin shortly told him “No,” already heading for the passenger seat. Hyunjin unlocked the car and climbed in, wondering, “We’re picking up Innie and Min somewhere else?”

“Yeah.” Seungmin said. “Up by the Science Building. They stayed back to ask Jeongin’s professor something.”

“You didn’t stay with Innie?” Hyunjin asked. Seungmin glanced at him, annoyed, “No, I didn’t. Honestly, I wanted to come yell at you for ditching us _again_ , but Jeongin made me promise I wouldn’t chew you out. And I… I don’t want to yell anyway. I know something is going on, so I’m not even angry, I just want you to let us in, Hyunjin. Let us help you. What’s got you so wrapped up in your head that you can’t even _hang out with us_ , much less talk to us? Are you stressed? Is something happening? Is someone hurting you--? No situation is impossible to get out of, Hyunjin.”

“I know.” Hyunjin said. His hands were shaking; luckily, he hadn’t even started the car yet. He gripped the wheel tightly, and tried to breathe steadily, “I know, Minnie. I’m… not going to say sorry, I know you don’t want to hear it. You want and deserve an explanation, and, I promise, after we listen to Minho tonight, I’ll try to explain, okay? You and Jeongin can pin me down until I talk. You’ve got me, okay? I’m here.”

“I’ll kick your ass.” Seungmin said, his voice breaking. Hyunjin looked at him; sure enough, Seungmin had tears streaming down his face. He laughed a little, embarrassed, and quickly rubbed the tears off of his face, “This is so stupid, you know, but I really want to be your best friend, and I don’t really feel like that when I can’t help you with a problem. You’ve always been my shoulder to cry on, Hyunjin, won’t you let me do the same?”

“I will.” Hyunjin said. He reached over, and Seungmin leaned against him, laughing as he did so, as he settled against Hyunjin’s shoulder, “See? I’m _literally_ crying on your shoulder right now--”

“Shh,” Hyunjin whispered, hoping that would get Seungmin to stop thinking for a moment. It did, perhaps; Seungmin did quiet down, just sniffled in Hyunjin’s arms, comfortable. Hyunjin rubbed his shoulder slowly, steadily.

“Jeongin and Minho should be ready by now.” Seungmin muttered, voice a bit muffled by Hyunjin’s arm. Seungmin sat up, and Hyunjin helped him dry his face. Seungmin kept his eyes closed and his hands down, let Hyunjin take care of him. Hyunjin imagined, for a few moments, how he would feel if Seungmin suddenly retracted, never cried in front of him, never expressed his concerns. He would be worried out of his mind; he would be chasing Seungmin through hell just to get him to talk.

“Thank you for worrying about me.” Hyunjin thought to say. Seungmin opened his eyes. For a moment, it was just Hyunjin and Seungmin looking at each other -- Hyunjin and Seungmin sitting in that comfortable silence that was so familiar to them three months ago. Then, Hyunjin remembered his crush on Jisu, and how this moment meant nothing, and his heart shattering broke the silence.

“Let’s go get Minho and Jeongin?”

“Yeah.” Seungmin said, taken back by how quickly Hyunjin had grabbed the keys and turned on the car. Seungmin dried his cheeks and reminded Hyunjin, “Science Building,” and Hyunjin backed out way too quick, and drove way too quick. His hands were still shaking after the way Seungmin had spoken to him, on top, now, of the way the two had stared at each other.

Seungmin didn’t say anything until Jeongin and Minho were in the car; to be fair, Hyunjin was silent, too. Minho sat himself behind Hyunjin and reached forward to squeeze his shoulders, “Jinnie! My favorite partner in crime--how are you?”

“I’m good.” Hyunjin lied; Minho didn’t catch onto lies like Seungmin did. Hyunjin reached back to tap Minho’s wrist, “How are you?”

“About as good as you’re pretending to be.” Minho teased. “We all need ice cream, yeah?”

“What convenience store do you want to go to?” Seungmin asked. They let Jeongin pick, and he, of course, picked one that was slightly out of the way, but, no mind, the four of them needed the long trip after being so split up for so long. Only Seungmin and Jeongin had spent time with each other, which meant they spoke to each other the least. Jeongin took to talking up Hyunjin and Minho, asking about their classes, while Seungmin took to teasing the two of them, trying to make everything feel as normal as possible.

And it worked. It worked all the way to the convenience store and through the frozen aisles, laughing and teasing as they all picked different flavors and scraped together their change to pay for all the mini pints, as well as some plastic spoons to eat with. It worked all the way to Minho’s little apartment, where they crammed themselves on the couch and bickered over what to watch. _No horror movies; Something stupid because we’re all going to talk anyway, right?; We should watch a comedy movie!; Just don’t pick anything with that one stupid actor in it, I can’t stand his voice!_

It worked until Seungmin told Minho and Hyunjin, “Okay, fess up. What’s been going on with you two?”

Hyunjin and Minho looked at each other. Hyunjin gestured to Minho, “We’re here for you first, me second,” and Minho sighed, but he went ahead and explained.

“In about… November, I started dating someone.” Minho said. Seungmin’s jaw dropped. He stuck his spoon into his ice cream and slapped Minho’s shoulder, “And you didn’t tell us?”

Minho cringed at the hit, laughing as he tried to rub the sting away, “I’m sorry! I just… didn’t really want you guys to know. It’s nothing to do with you, I swear! I wasn’t ready to, uh… to come out.”

It was Hyunjin’s turn to drop his jaw. _Come out?_ Did he hear that right? Was he understanding that right? Minho didn’t want to come out? He didn’t want to come out, as in--

“Minho, are you gay?”

Minho nodded, didn’t look at anyone. He stared at his ice cream, slowly scooping a tiny bit into his mouth. His shoulders were trembling. He couldn’t hold his ice cream steady. He was so _scared_ , and Hyunjin’s heart broke for him. He knew exactly what that felt like; it was the exact reason he kept himself in the closet. Suddenly, he felt just as scared as Minho, as if he had been the one to admit it. He thought, then, to stop thinking about himself: here Minho was, scared out of his mind, and Hyunjin wasn’t helping him.

Hyunjin wrapped his arms around Minho, who cringed at the touch. Hyunjin didn’t let go, though; he tucked his head over Minho’s shoulder and said, “It’s okay. Don’t be scared, it’s okay, you’re okay, you can love who you want, Minho, it’s okay.”

“We would never judge you for that.” Seungmin said, and Jeongin agreed, “There’s nothing wrong with being gay.”

Minho started to laugh, clearly relieved. He sniffled, even; he had been crying. Seungmin rubbed his shoulder, and Jeongin reached over to pet his hair. Minho continued to laugh and shake, “Thank you, uh -- thank you. I was really worried that maybe… yeah. So I just got caught up with my boyfriend because all of his friends were open and… I could be myself….”

“Did you really think we’d throw you away?” Seungmin asked, hurt. Minho shrugged, “It wasn’t fair for me to not give you a chance, and I know it wasn’t, I was just so scared, and so happy that I could openly be gay that I… stuck with it. I didn’t want to ever have to face rejection. That’s not how I think of you as people, but I never really know….”

“It’s okay.” Jeongin said. He looked at Seungmin, though, as he said it, and tucked a hand over his knee, and tried to convince Seungmin, too, “We understand why you were scared. But, you don’t have to be, and you know, now. Thank you for telling us.”

“Thank you for accepting me.” Minho said.

“We would be fools not to.” Hyunjin said. He finally unraveled from Minho, tucking another spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. He felt so relieved at Seungmin and Jeongin’s reactions, at the fact that Minho was gay, too. _Acceptance. Relatability. Hyunjin wasn’t alone, and he wouldn’t be judged_.

“What happened with your boy?” Seungmin asked. Minho took another bite of his ice cream, slowly starting, “Uh, so, you know Han Jisung?”

“I do,” Jeongin said; Seungmin was on the opposite end, “I don’t.”

“Same as Seungmin.” Hyunjin said. Minho pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed them a picture. He was small, Hyunjin noticed, and cute. He seemed like someone Minho would date, oddly enough, just by looking at him. Happy. Interesting.

“I really loved him.” Minho muttered. His eyes stayed trained on the picture, but he eventually locked his phone and put it away. “Anyway. We started dating in November. I got close to all of his friends. Chan, Changbin, Felix. I still like his damn friends. I still love _him_. But… I don’t know. We were fighting all the time. He’s not a romantic person at all. He never had time for me. I was sick of always giving more and more to try to make our relationship work. It got to a point where we fought every single day, no matter what happened, no matter how little or how much we talked, or spent time together, and it was a mess. I would cry every fucking night. I loved him, but, God, that was the most miserable relationship I’ve ever been in.”

“I’m so sorry, Min,” Jeongin said softly, to which Minho smiled, touching the hand that Jeongin had placed on his shoulder in comfort, “That’s okay, Innie. I know we’re better off without each other. I’m honestly tempted to still be friends, because things between us were _good_ when they were good, but… I don’t know. It’s hard, you know, to be friends with someone you’re still in love with.”

That last sentence settled in Hyunjin’s head like a dead fish on the bottom of a lake: heavy and still, but floating along with the currents.

“Sometimes friendship is worth it,” Hyunjin offered. “If it doesn’t hurt so bad, and having him around feels better than not having him around, it might be worth it.”

“I initiated the break-up.” Minho said, “And he… totally understood. But that kind of hurt, too, you know? The fact that he didn’t really… fight for me. I told him I wanted to break up, and he looked sad, but he just said, ‘I understand,’ and that was that. Like. No ‘we can work this out’ or ‘I want you to stay with me.’ Just. Giving up. It felt like he gave up on me.”

“He didn’t deserve you in the first place.” Seungmin said. Minho laughed, “You’re sweet, but he did. Maybe I’m still just stupidly in love with him, but I know he didn’t want to push my comfort zone, and, really, what can you do when someone wants to break up with you? Force them to stay?”

“He could have at least asked you to work it out.” Seungmin said.

“But maybe he didn’t really want to…?” Hyunjin suggested. Minho hummed, “I thought that, too. Maybe he was just as done as I was.”

“I’m sorry.” Jeongin said again, quieter this time. Minho shook his head, “No, no, it’s okay. _I’m_ okay, now, more than I was when he and I were fighting every day. I missed you guys, you know. I wanted to come talk to you guys, didn’t want to talk to Jisung’s best friends just for them to make excuses for him, but, like I said, I was scared.”

“You went through a lot.” Seungmin mumbled. He rubbed Minho’s back, “Don’t ever do that again, okay? We’re here for you. Doesn’t matter the situation.”

“I definitely won’t be leaving you guys ever again.” Minho said, laughing. The three of them continued to comfort Minho for a few minutes, but Minho shifted the attention to Hyunjin soon enough, “And what’s been your deal, huh? You skipped out on us, too.”

“ _Us_ , as if you were around,” Seungmin said, but he said it with a light tone, and a small shove to Minho’s shoulder. Hyunjin didn’t really know what to say. He barely wanted to admit to _himself_ what was going on -- what his mind was so stuck on, and what he just couldn’t seem to overcome. He didn’t want to lie, and he knew Seungmin would catch on to a lie anyway, but he didn’t want to tell the truth. He wasn’t ready to tell the truth, but he couldn’t say that, or else Seungmin would be _pissed_.

Hyunjin bought himself a moment with a huge spoonful of ice cream. It wasn’t exactly a subtle attempt at not talking, for Seungmin stared directly at him with an eyebrow quirked up. What to say, what to say, Hyunjin wondered, panicking. What could he say? Seriously, what could he say?

“I have a really intense crush on someone that I don’t think I have a chance with. In fact, I _know_ I don’t have a chance.” Hyunjin said. Jeongin asked, curious, “Who is it?” and Seungmin asked, “Why did you avoid _us_ for months because of a crush?”

“You wouldn’t know them.” Hyunjin said to Jeongin, and, to Seungmin, “My mind was just really… really cloudy. I didn’t want to hang out with anyone because I isolate myself when I’m not doing too well.”

“Hyunjin, it’s a _crush_ on someone, why the hell would you ignore us over that?” Seungmin asked. Jeongin tapped Seungmin’s shoulder roughly, “Min. Sympathy.”

“Come on, Hyunjin, this is stupid.” Seungmin said. Minho placed a hand on Seungmin’s chest, and Seungmin nudged him away. He stood, placing his ice cream down on the table, “We’ve talked and whined about crushes before, Hyunjin, why would you abandon us--?”

“Seungmin, this isn’t fair.” Jeongin interrupted, standing and getting between Hyunjin and Seungmin. “You don’t know what Hyunjin went through. Come on, maybe he was really stressed over school, too. Right, Hyunjin, were you stressed?”

“Oh, don’t give him an out, Jeongin.” Seungmin said. Jeongin crossed his arms, “Don’t be so rude to your best friend, then!”

“Guys.” Minho said. Hyunjin stopped him before he could get involved, too, “Seungmin is right. It was stupid. I know it was stupid. I shouldn’t have pushed all of you away even if I did have some extra stress piled on top of my crush. I’m really sorry.”

“I’ll accept that when you tell us the whole truth.” Seungmin said. Of course Seungmin would see through him; Seungmin read Hyunjin like an open book, and he was an expert at reading between Hyunjin’s lines. Seungmin gathered up his ice cream and his jacket, left without even putting his shoes on, just scooping up them and the keys. Jeongin sighed, sent a _’sorry’_ expression Hyunjin’s way, and took his things after Seungmin. Hyunjin and Minho sat in silence for a while -- Hyunjin, just staring at the door; Minho, slowly picking at the middle of his ice cream.

“You want to stay tonight?” Minho asked. Hyunjin nodded, the tears already starting to pour out of his eyes. Minho draped an arm over his shoulder, “Hey. It’ll be alright. You know how hurt Seungmin gets, how angry he acts when he’s in pain.”

“I really messed up this time.” Hyunjin muttered. “I don’t know how to tell him the truth, Minho.”

“You’ll figure it out. Maybe Jeongin and I can help you.” Minho said. He slipped his arm off of Hyunjin’s shoulder. “Or just me. It’s Seungmin you have a crush on, isn’t it?”

Hyunjin blinked, his eyes growing wide at the way Minho had figured it out. “How did you…?”

“The way you hugged me when I said I was gay. The way you look at Seungmin. The way you always understand how he’s feeling. The way you give up everything for him. The way you avoided the group over a crush -- really, Seungmin and Jeongin are pretty dense if they can’t figure that one out.” Minho said. That last comment made Hyunjin laugh a bit, and Minho laughed with him through a bite of ice cream. Minho finished with, “It’ll be alright. You don’t have to tell Seungmin. He has to respect the fact that you don’t want him to know who your crush is.”

“I promised him I would explain tonight.” Hyunjin muttered.

“And you did. You explained as much as you felt comfortable explaining. He doesn’t get to demand answers out of you just because you are best friends.” Minho said. “Feelings are complicated, and people are even more complicated, and we do things that other people don’t understand.”

“He doesn’t have to accept it, though.” Hyunjin said. Minho shrugged, “I suppose not. But he still shouldn’t have gone off like that.”

“It’s okay.” Hyunjin said. “Thank you, Minho. For that. For letting me stay. For coming back to us.”

“Hey. It’s no problem.” Minho said. He leaned back, overlapping Hyunjin’s chest, “We’re friends, you know? Good ones. That’s what friends are for.”

“We might not get a ride to school tomorrow.” Hyunjin thought aloud. Minho hummed, “Yeah, been dealing with that for a couple weeks now. We should go to sleep pretty soon. We’ve got a long walk in the morning.”

“I have a paper due tomorrow.” Hyunjin muttered. Minho laughed, “Haven’t started?”

“Nope.”

“Coffee it is, then. Let’s get that paper written.”

  
  
  


/

  
  


“You really didn’t have to stay up all night to help me with that paper.” Hyunjin said. Half of it was spoken over a yawn. Minho huffed, “I shouldn’t have. I’m going to fall asleep in history. _Why_ did I choose 8:00 history?”

“I’ll come suffer with you.” Hyunjin offered, leaning into Minho, “No class until 9:00 for me.”

“Asshole. You could’ve written your paper now.” Minho said, to which Hyunjin laughed, “It took us _four hours_ to write that paper. What makes you think I could crank it out in an hour on my own?”

“Panic and pressure does wonders.” Minho said. Hyunjin shoved him. He stretched his arms toward the sky to wake himself up, and he wondered, “Do you think Seungmin would want me at lunch today?”

“Yes. Come eat with us; he’ll only be angrier if you’re not around you.” Minho said.

“I bet he’s going to get mad that I didn’t come home last night.” Hyunjin said, and Minho nodded, “I definitely wouldn’t put it past him. I’m sure Jeongin stayed with him, though. Maybe. Does Jeongin still live with his parents?”

“Yes, but one text and he’s free.” Hyunjin said.

“Lucky. My parents still keep their thumb on me. Like, I’m twenty-two, mom, I promise I’m doing just fine by myself. Sort of.”

“You eat ramen at least once a day.”

“Sometimes that’s the only thing I eat.”

“Messy.” Hyunjin said. “I’m going to start bringing you apples.”

“That’s right. You and your apples.” Minho said. He stopped abruptly. “I was gone for so long I forgot you brought apples to lunch every day.”

“ _I’ve_ been gone for so long I forgot to _bring_ apples to lunch every day.” Hyunjin said, trying to make Minho feel less bad. It didn’t work. Minho looked at Hyunjin, “I got so wrapped up in Jisung, huh?”

“I’m still so wrapped up in Seungmin.” Hyunjin said. Minho laughed, finally, “We’re just two messy gays, huh?”

Hyunjin laughed, and laughed, maybe a little too hard, but he’d never had someone say anything like that to him before. He’d never been openly gay around someone before. He’d never told anyone he liked Seungmin before. He was more open than he’d ever felt, and it felt good.

 _This is what Seungmin wants from you_ , Hyunjin thought briefly.

“Hey,” Minho snapped his fingers in front of Hyunjin, “Out of your head. We’re going to be late to history class.”

“I regret saying I’d join you already.” Hyunjin laughed, but he followed Minho all the way to his history class anyway, and, if the two fell asleep, at least they were in the back of the class, and at least neither one of them snored.

  
  
  


/

  
  
  


“Was Hyunjin with you last night?”

Seungmin looked borderline insane. His eyes were puffy, and his hair was messy, and he didn’t even have his bag with him. He sat at the picnic table quickly, leaning close to Minho for the truth. Minho nodded, eyeing Seungmin slowly. Seungmin’s shoulder dropped down in relief, “I tried to call him, text him--”

“His phone died. Idiot has a Samsung, so he couldn’t charge it at my place.” Minho said. Seungmin laughed, rolling his eyes, “I always tell that moron to keep an extra charger in his bag.”

“He’ll listen to you one day.” Minho said. Seungmin nodded, looking down at his hands, “I sure hope so.”

Speaking of Hyunjin; he was walking across the field, closing in. He pressed his finger to his lips, and Minho shifted his eyes, pretending he hadn’t seen Hyunjin at all. Seungmin looked up at Minho, like he was about to say something else, when Hyunjin wrapped his arms around Seungmin, “Forgive me?”

“You scared the _hell_ out of me.” Seungmin said, turning around and slapping Hyunjin’s chest. He pulled Hyunjin down, though, and hugged him, sighing, “I’m really sorry. I was worried about you, by the way, you idiot.”

“I was with Minho all night.” Hyunjin said. He sat next to Seungmin, and leaned into him, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure if you wanted me back last night, and, honestly, I had a paper to write. It took Minho and I hours--”

“You stayed up all night, didn’t you?” Seungmin asked. Minho and Hyunjin were both silent. Seungmin rolled his eyes, “You two are so _stupid_. You better take naps today.”

“Wanna come over and take a nap after class is over?” Minho asked Hyunjin, and Hyunjin jumped at the opportunity.

“Leaving me out, I see.” Seungmin muttered, faking offense. Jeongin showed up, then, “Leaving my Minnie out?” and sat next to Minho. He looked around the table, frowning, “You all look like shit.”

“We all got _very little_ , if any, sleep last night.” Seungmin said. Jeongin rolled his eyes, “Why wouldn’t you tell me? I would have brought coffee.”

“Sounds like heaven.” Minho muttered. “Hyunjin and I planned a nap date after school.”

“Take Seungmin.” Jeongin suggested, and Seungmin agreed, “Yeah, take _me_.”

“Alright, alright. Nap date after school. Want to come, Innie?” Minho asked. Jeongin declined, “I have a paper to write today, and, unlike you guys, I don’t want to be up all night doing it.”

“How did you know I was writing a paper last night?” Hyunjin asked.

“Because I know you.” Jeongin said. _Fair enough_ , Hyunjin thought. Minho told Jeongin to come over anyway, to write while everyone else was sleeping, and Jeongin shrugged, said he would consider it.

“You know, Min, you never got the chance to tell Hyunjin and Minho about your thing with Jisu.” Jeongin teased suddenly. Minho looked at Hyunjin immediately, his eyes a bit wide and sympathetic. Luckily, Seungmin was too busy whining at Jeongin to notice the look Minho and Hyunjin shared. Hyunjin shook his head lightly, a signal that he was alright, or that he would be, or that Minho didn’t need to worry, or something like that. Even Hyunjin wasn’t too sure.

“We just started flirting a couple months ago.” Seungmin started. He talked like he was in love: he went on and on about how pretty Jisu was, and how sweet she was, and the way her voice sounded when she talked, and the way her eyes looked when she was excited, and how often she talked about her friends, and how quickly her and Seungmin had connected over philosophical ideas, and how they even considered some of the same careers and future plans. All in just a couple months of knowing her. Hell, Hyunjin thought, she sounded absolutely _perfect_ for him, and, when Seungmin pulled up a picture of her -- pictures of her studying next to Seungmin in the library, pictures of the two of them together -- she really was pretty. She was Seungmin’s type of pretty: not conventional, but undeniably beautiful anyway.

 _Fuck_ , Hyunjin thought. He knew he didn’t have a chance, but now he _knew_ he didn’t have a chance.

Yet, he wasn’t that upset. He was hurt, sure. He wanted Seungmin to be his, sure. He blew his chance, though, the moment he decided not to be honest with Seungmin about his crush, the moment he decided to pull away from Seungmin instead of get closer to him.

Hyunjin was happy for Seungmin. He deserved someone who would be more gentle, and open, and considerate. Hyunjin was happy.

  
  
  


/

  
  
  


Minho’s arm was completely numb when he woke up from his nap -- his _four hour_ nap, as the 20:38 on the clock let him know. Minho sat up just a bit, but flopped right back down. Hyunjin was on his arm; _that’s_ why it was numb.

“Hyunjin,” Minho muttered, shaking Hyunjin softly. Hyunjin groaned, but he sat up, “What?”

“We’ve been asleep for like four hours.” Minho said. “Also, my arm is numb.”

“Sorry.” Hyunjin muttered. He slapped Minho’s arm a few times, and Minho laughed at him, “You don’t have to do that. How are you doing?”

“I’m happy for him.” Hyunjin said after a moment’s time worth rubbing his eyes and yawning. He moved Minho’s arm and lay back on the pillow, flopping down onto his stomach, tucking his arms under his chin. He stared at Minho’s headboard, “Like, really, I am. I just feel so stupid because… I wonder if things would have been different if I _didn’t_ just suddenly pull back from him. I know Seungmin, and I know what open honesty means to him. I know how badly he wants to know people and be there for them, and how awkward he feels expressing himself when he doesn’t get the same back. He feels stupid and vulnerable and like he doesn’t have an equal hand. I really fucked that up. I really, really fucked our relationship up.”

“That’s heavy.” Minho muttered. He shook his arm, and awkwardly told Hyunjin, “I’m sorry. I don’t really know what to say. I don’t know yours and Seungmin’s relationship that well. But I know Seungmin loves you, and you’ll never lose him. Maybe you’ll never be more than friends, but you’ll _always_ be friends.”

“I’m really happy about that.” Hyunjin said. He turned his head, settled against his arms, and looked at Minho. Then, he sat up, thinking, “Weren’t Jeongin and Seungmin here?”

“Jeongin woke me up a couple hours ago. He and Seungmin headed out. Guess Jisu and a friend wanted to meet. Don’t remember the friend’s name, but Jeongin was all excited.”

“Crush.” Hyunjin decided, laying his head back down. Minho agreed. He sat up, shaking out his arm to get the rest of the feeling back. He stretched, just to be sure, and was satisfied with the way his shoulder cracked.

“Want dinner?”

“I’m intermittent fasting.” Hyunjin muttered. Minho blinked, “What the fuck is that?”

“I have an 8-hour eating window every day, and it’s over.”

“For medical reasons?”

“No. Just want to.”

“Well, you slept for about half of your eating window, so get your ass up, I’m making you dinner.”

Hyunjin and Minho shared a big bowl of ramen, laying together in front of Minho’s television. Hyunjin said, “Hey, can I borrow your phone? I don’t have a charger.”

Minho hummed. He got his phone from his room and handed it over to Hyunjin, who asked for his passcode, and typed it in as Minho rattled it off to him. Hyunjin immediately said, “Uh--” and hesitated, then, “Min, do you text Jisung?”

“What? No, I haven’t talked to him that much since we broke up.” Minho said, puzzled. Hyunjin turned Minho’s phone to him, “I’m sorry, the messages just popped up. I didn’t read them, but is that -- that’s Jisung, right?”

Minho stared at the text messages, eventually reaching out to take his phone from Hyunjin. He blinked slowly. Hyunjin hesitated to speak again, “Min? Are you okay?”

“Just shocked.” Minho muttered. Jisung had texted him: _babe, hey, I miss you, do you want to come over tonight?_ and Jisung _never_ asked him to come over unless he wanted to have sex. That was another thing -- a thing Minho didn’t mention to Seungmin, Hyunjin, and Jeongin.

“It’s a booty call.” Minho felt comfortable enough to say. Hyunjin just hummed, sympathetic and a little awkward. He said, after hesitating, “I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t think he would ever do that.” Minho said. He stared at his phone, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Want me to reply?” Hyunjin asked. Normally, Minho wouldn’t let anyone type a message out for him, but he was curious. He handed his phone to Hyunjin, who typed quickly; he must have already had something in mind. Minho found that kind of funny. Hyunjin handed his phone back.

_booked tonight <3_

“Oh God.” Minho laughed. He handed his phone back to Hyunjin, said, “Thank you. I needed a laugh after that.”

“I’m always here for laughs.” Hyunjin said. He went to Google to answer his question. Minho peeked over his shoulder, and laughed even harder than he had at Hyunjin’s text message, “You could have just asked me that.”

“Why do you know what the best temperature to bake cookies is?” Hyunjin asked.

“I bake all the time?”

“ _What?_ You eat ramen every day _and_ you know how to bake? Those things just don’t go together.” Hyunjin said. Minho rolled his eyes, “Why were you looking that up anyway?”

“I want to bake cookies tomorrow.” Hyunjin said; then, he grimaced, “I did just break my fast, though, so I probably shouldn’t.”

“I’ll bake cookies with you. Nice Saturday activity.” Minho said. “Would Seungmin drive some cookie dough to us?”

“I honestly don’t think I want to see Seungmin right now. I love him so much, but to hear him talk about Jisu again….”

“Walking it is.” Minho agreed right away. He finished up the ramen, seeing that Hyunjin didn’t want to, and took the bowl to the kitchen sink. He didn’t feel like washing it right away. He was content to lay on the floor with Hyunjin for a while. Hyunjin was comfortable. Even with nothing to do or talk about, his company was nice.

“Did Jisung say anything?” Hyunjin asked. Minho looked, and showed Hyunjin: _oh… who are you with?_

“Want me to say anything?” Hyunjin asked. Minho shook his head, “Let him wonder.”

“Do you want….” Hyunjin stopped. Minho looked at him. Hyunjin looked back, and away. He asked, “Do you want, uh, do you want to actually….”

“Are you asking me to have sex with you?” Minho asked, blunt, and with an unreadable little smirk on his face. Hyunjin chewed on his bottom lip, “Maybe it’s dumb. Maybe I’m just thinking we’re both a little heartbroken right now, and this little connection we have only exists because we’re both gay and sad--”

“Or maybe that’s a great idea and I’m completely on board with it.” Minho said. He rolled over, slowly slotted his body over Hyunjin’s, and Hyunjin gulped, his heart pounding as he looked up at Minho. Minho smirked down at him, “If you get uncomfortable, or you change your mind, just tell me, okay?”

“You, too,” Hyunjin said. Minho leaned down to kiss him, and Hyunjin lit up with excitement, electricity. He had been so closeted he hadn’t kissed a boy in _years_ , and the last time he’d messed around was in one of his middle years of high school. He missed it, but he could never risk letting anyone know who he was or how he felt -- but here Minho was, and here they both were, kissing, getting naked on Minho’s living room floor. They moved to the bedroom soon enough-- “I’m not about to fuck you for the first time on my floor,” and Hyunjin teased, “For the first time?” and Minho slapped his thigh, laughing. _Comfortable_. Hyunjin’s last time having sex wasn’t nearly as comfortable. It was awkward, and they both fumbled, and it was _okay_ , but it wasn’t good.

Minho was _good_ , and Hyunjin felt lucky to have him around -- for this, for the sake of relating to his identity, for helping him over his heartbreak, for entertaining him, for taking half the tension of their nearly-broken friend group.

Minho was what Hyunjin needed all along.

  
  
  


/

  
  
  


“So….” Hyunjin said. His heartbeat was so damn _loud_ , he wondered if Minho could hear it. He tried to speak over it, nervous again, even after how comfortable and open he had been with Minho for the past half an hour, “What… exactly does this make us?”

Minho groaned, seeming exasperated at the question, which rocketed Hyunjin’s heart into a quicker rhythm. Was he pushing it, now? They had both just agreed that this was sex before they got into it. Neither one had indicated wanting or thinking about anything more, so why was Hyunjin asking? Why was Hyunjin even thinking about it? Did he want something with Minho?

Minho was too preoccupied in rolling over and settling against Hyunjin’s chest to register the way Hyunjin was overthinking, to care about how hard his heart was beating. Minho’s response was casual anyway, just as his body language had alluded to, “Let’s figure it out in the morning.”

Taking into account the comfort from the gorgeous man in his arms and his racing, healing heart, Hyunjin liked that idea.

"I like this, by the way." Minho muttered. His hand landed sloppily in Hyunjin's hair. "The length of this. You look pretty. It's nice to pull on, too.... I could get used to that."


End file.
